Sunday, September 20, 2009

Wanted: Second Bass Player

^This Could Be You^

(This is a serious post) We're looking for a second bass player to join No Anchor; thus taking the band into rock's rich history of outfits with two bass players (Girls Against Boys and Pre.Shrunk). In short, we want to be simpler - dumber, if you will - and a second bass player seems like a good idea.

The ideal applicant must meet the following criteria:
  • Selection Criteria One: No fuckwits! That means no regular fuckwits (homophobes, misogynists, racists, thugs) and no unique and wonderful fuckups either (substance abuse issues and seriously unresolved life bullshit not allowed). Alex and I are in our thirties, in long-term committed relationships and are - for want of a better term - dorks. This band would suit someone in a similar situation/state-of-mind. You can be in another band, that's totally fine.
  • Selection Criteria Two: Melvins! You have to at least pretend to like the Melvins at all times whilst within our presence. Why? Because The Melvins are our sort of punk band: killer songs, funny, brutal and opened minded. (NB: We're happy to school you but either way, at the end of the day you have to know it.)
  • Selection Criteria Three: No Fingering! You have to play with a pick.
  • Selection Criteria Four: No Stupid Looking Basses! You have to own a decent bass guitar and a decent bass amplifier. By decent I mean, your bass guitar cannot - in any way - resemble a potato or something Prince or Bootsy would play (all respect given of course). Absolutely no glitter finishes allowed. It's fine for you to come to practice for a few weeks with whatever piece of shit you have lying around but you are NOT getting onstage with us with something that is an eyesore. That said, decent doesn't mean expensive: I currently play a Fender Squire P-Bass I bought from Tyms for $180. It's great.
  • Selection Criteria Five: Find Your Own Way Home Already! You have to have a valid drivers licence. Preference will be given to applicants who can transport themselves and their gear around.
  • Selection Criteria Six: No Rubbing It! One of the things we like most about our band is that we work comfortably with very simple ideas. This goes 10 fold for the bass guitar. Occasionally, I might throw down a riff or something fruity but go listen to the records: MOST of the time, I am Thor swinging Thor's hammer. You don't play stupid tapping solos on Thor's hammer. Instead, you hit Thors hammer on the ground and a mountain turns to dust! Unless you like playing the same note/chord over and over again really, really loud, don't even think about joining this band.
  • Selection Criteria Seven: Must Like 'Good' Music! Alex and I both agree on certain things: The Melvins and Nirvana, Boris and Sunn O))), The Nation Blue and Shellac, Black Sabbath and Neuorsis. We also like a much, much broader selection of music too long to list here (everything from experimental noise through to shiny indie-pop). We respectfully disagree on a few things: Kyuss, Led Zeppelin, U2, late-era Sonic Youth, Arab Strap or Malcolm Middleton and Mastodon. You should probably pick a side on all those before coming to the first practice.
  • Selection Criteria Eight: Must Be Good At Being In A Band Like No Anchor! We don't tour a great deal. Instead we practice once a week, record a couple of times a year and play most of our shows with friends around Brisbane. We're actually fairly ambitious but not for any type of career or legacy. We just wanna do our thing, exactly our thing and have only a passing interest in anything else. To us it's fun but it might not be for everyone.
No exceptions!

Email us at noanchorband [at] gmail.com and tell us what bands you like. We'll email you back if we're interested. If we don't email you back, you should start you're own doom/sludge/noise band and take your revenge. We'll probably book you even though you're hell-bent on vengeance.

- Ian

3 comments:

kathleen said...

BEST POST EVER! I love it.

Lorelei V said...

I fit every single selection criteria except I play bass really shitly. Call me?

charlesramone said...

Totally would except a) am a bit of a fuckwit and b) love no anchor too much to ruin it c) though neither of my basses are of a laughable appearance the best one is a short scale, and that may not be to thors likening..... depressed (johnm)